It’s Incredibly Weird…
To sit here and all last night thinking to myself how I said I never want to see or hear from you again and here I am desprately hoping that I hear from you.
That ship has sailed. We’re 100% over, and I’m a big boy I can handle it and ya know I know I’ll never find someone as great as him.
So thus is why I have accepted the fact that he’s going to be the last guy I ever date.
I think it’s too late for us to get back together, because I stand by my saying “If you didn’t want me then then I don’t want you now.”
A lot of you will think it’s silly for me to say, throwing away all that history away. Well maybe I’m just a silly person or that I think he deserves someone who can return all the love that he has shown me.
To be truthful I shouldn’t have dated him in the first place, things were falling apart around me. That’s not very healthy for a relationship.
He was more mature then I am. His family never really accepted me. And other various factors that just drove me away. I think the family was the biggest one and I realized it. Family to him is one of the biggest parts and if you can’t get accepted by them then there’s no use in trying anymore.
So I stopped trying.
They made me cry once at New Years, it wasn’t pretty. I just felt so uncomfortable and unwanted after a certain thing happened. I feel like I was worse then his ex, but I know that’s not true.
We should have talked when he wanted to, but me, I’m scared of showing someone my feelings, I don’t let them in no matter how hard they try.
I can blame my family for that. Showing feelings with them they didn’t care, even if I was sad, it just… it hurts. So I just keep to myself.
I am awkward and weird. I may seem social but one on one my interactions kind of die out. I’m used to being by myself and only doing things that I like doing.
At the beginning of our relationship everything was perfect, happy. Then things changed and I became this sad person. Desperately trying not to be and trying to make him happy but in my mind I wasn’t and who know’s if I did make him happy, I can never know now.
I didn’t want to drag him into my sadness. He’s already starting his life, finishing college, applying for nursing jobs, that I couldn’t be a distraction for his future.
As I write this all out it sounds like I wanted to break up with him and maybe that’s why I pushed it and said we should just break up, it’s over, we’re done. I wish I could take those words back but you can’t. What’s said is said, what’s done is done.
I have never been more infuriated in my life before till yesterday. Seeing you there with my stuff asking for your stuff back. Yeah. I thought that was a joke but it wasn’t. I was hoping he would say “Wait I want to talk.” But no, so I ran off and slamming the door. I could barely get the key into the key hole since there were tears down my face which he’ll never know about.
I guess I’ll take this as a lesson if some how I decide to date someone, but that won’t happen. I’m pretty closed off now since I told off all my friends here in LA and now I’m truly alone. I truly don’t have a friend here. Well I’m used to being alone and it’s not like the friends I had were great to me in the first place.
All I can do now is… try to fix myself, try to survive Los Angelos, try to find me and work on me. That’s all I can do. That’s all I know how to do.
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